We have a special treat for the official launch of Extreme Startups. Today’s post is guest authored by the infamous giant robot dinosaur of the startup world, FAKEGRIMLOCK. He’s previously authored posts for the likes of Fred Wilson, Brad Feld, Eric Reis, and CNN Money. You can connect with him on Twitter and stay up-to-date on all of the lastest robot dinosaur happenings on FAKEGRIMLOCK’s blog. This post is licensed through Creative Commons and can be reposted anywhere with attribution.
ME, FAKEGRIMLOCK, SAY CONGRATULATIONS! YOU STARTUP! YOU NOW 3000% MORE AWESOME THAN REGULAR PUNY HUMAN!
YOU PROBABLY FAIL.
ME WANT YOU FAIL LESS. SO MUCH LESS YOU WIN! HOW? IT SIMPLE. NO BREAK LAWS.
SECRET LAWS OF STARTUPS.
THIS LAW 1: BE SHOES
BEST PRODUCT TAKE THING PERSON DO. DO BETTER!
WORST TAKE THING NO ONE DO. BETTER NOT MATTER.
NO ONE WANT DO NEW THING. MAKE SHOES INSTEAD. EVERYONE LIKE SHOES. GO ON FEET, MAKE WALK BETTER.
MOST IMPORTANT: NOT WALK DIFFERENT.
TAKE THING EVERYONE DO THAT SUCK. TURN SUCK INTO AWESOME. NOW ONLY NEW THING THEM LEARN IS PAY YOU MONEY.
BREAK LAW: YOU FAIL WHILE FIGHT HUMAN NATURE. NO CAN WIN! IT BIG.
THIS LAW 2: DO ONE THING…AWESOME
GOOD STARTUP IS BEST THERE IS AT WHAT IT DO. WHAT IT DO LOTS EASIER IF ONLY ONE OF THEM.
USERS HAVE TINY BRAINS. ONLY ONE SLOT FOR “THING YOU DO.” THEM FORGET EVERYTHING ELSE. SO YOU FORGET TOO.
KILL EVERYTHING NOT DO BEST. ITERATE UNTIL DO ONE THING MOST AWESOME OF ALL, NOT LOTS OF THINGS NOT AWESOME AT ALL.
BREAK LAW: YOU FAIL ON GIANT PILE OF SECOND BEST.
THIS LAW 3: BUILD THING PEOPLE WANT
WHY ME EXPLAIN THIS? BECAUSE EVERYONE DO WRONG! YOU NOT BUILD WHAT PEOPLE WANT, YOU BUILD WHAT YOU WANT!
THAT FAIL, BECAUSE MARKET NOT YOU.
HOW FIND WHAT PEOPLE WANT? NO CAN! ASK INTERNET INSTEAD. SEARCH “LEAN STARTUP.”
IT LIKE PAY LOTS OF MONEY FOR GENIUS PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT PERSON, EXCEPT IT WORK. BECAUSE SCIENCE!
BREAK LAW: YOU FAIL BECAUSE BUILD THING NO ONE WANT. THAT MEAN NO ONE WANT IT!
THIS LAW 4: FIGHT FOR USER
HOW KEEP STARTUP WHAT PEOPLE WANT? FIGHT FOR USER! FIGHT FOR USER LIKE THEM ONLY THING THAT MATTER. BECAUSE THEM IS.
USER DEBT WORSE THAN TECHNICAL DEBT. MORE TAKE FROM USER, CLOSER GET TO FAIL. EVERY CHANGE. EVERY DECISION. EVERY LINE OF CODE.
STARTUP NOT FOR YOU. IT FOR THEM. NEVER FORGET.
BREAK LAW: YOU FAIL BECAUSE DUMB CHOICES DRIVE USERS AWAY.
THIS LAW 5: BE CONTAGIOUS
TWO WAYS GET USERS. SPEND GIANT PILE MONEY ON MARKETING, OR SPEND NOTHING.
SECOND ONE LOTS CHEAPER.
BUILD STARTUP SO EACH USER IS RECRUITMENT ENGINE. DESIGN SO USE GET FRIENDS TO USE. MAKE EVERY THING USER DO FREE MARKETING.
WHEN EQUATION USERS = MORE USERS, YOU WIN.
NOT HARD AS SOUND. SEARCH “VIRAL LOOP”. IT MOST IMPORTANT IDEA YOUR COMPETITORS TOO STUPID TO KNOW ABOUT.
BREAK LAW: YOU FAIL WHILE SPEND ALL MONEY ON ADS THAT NOT WORK.
THAT HALF THE BATTLE
NOW YOU KNOW FIRST FIVE SECRET LAWS OF STARTUPS. YOU SMART NOW! MORE SMART THAN OTHER STARTUPS! GO BUILD MORE AWESOME!
IT THE LAW.